For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

All the footers on this web site collected in one place...

A bank will lend you money only if you can prove that you don’t need it!

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Air conditioned environment - Do NOT open Windows!

A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.

An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.

Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.

Aren't the "good things that come to those who wait" just the leftovers from the people that got there first?

A winner never quits. A quitter never wins.

Be a coffee-drinking individual...espresso yourself!

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder!

Beware of programmers who carry a screwdriver

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.

Chocolate, men, coffee - some things are better rich.

Constipated people don't give a crap!

Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster!

Don't confuse me with facts, my mind's already made up

Do ten millipedes equal one centipede?

** ERROR ** Unable to insert witty tagline.

First you're telling me to be myself, then you're telling me to stop being an idiot. Make your mind up.

Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places.

"F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!"

How does an engineer write a program? He starts by debugging an empty file!

I always lie. In fact, I'm lying to you right now!

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone.

I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.

If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

I finally made my stupid computer faster; I dropped it out of the window, and it went really fast.

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

I'm not only a master of suspense but I also...

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level of incompetence, and then remains there.

In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.

Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.

Inside every small problem is a larger problem struggling to get out.

Interchangeable parts won't.

I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

I would go the extra mile for you! the opposite direction.

Learn from your parent’s mistakes use birth control.

Me, Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

Nobody notices when things go right.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

Nothing is so smiple that it can't get screwed up.

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.

Q: Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
A: The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!

Q: What gets wetter the more it dries? A: A towel.

Q: What has one eye but cannot see? A: A needle.

Q: What stays in the corner and travels all over the world? A: A stamp.

Say no, then negotiate.

Some things are better left unsaid. If only I could determine which things.

Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding the other person is a complete idiot.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else

The definition of an upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The kids text me "plz" Because it's shorter than "please". I text back "no" because it's shorter than "yes".

The light at the end of the tunnel may be a train.

The only perfect science is hind-sight.

The only purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble!

The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.

There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know.

There is always one more bug.

There is a right way, a wrong way, and my way to do everything.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.

The world is divided into people who do things and people who get the credit.

They finally invented a computer as smart as a person. When it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

This sentence contradicts itself: no, wait, actually it doesn't.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.

Warning, keyboard not found. Press Enter to continue

When all else fails, read the instructions.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing.

Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours.

Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.

And some that haven't made the footers yet!

Save the whales ... Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like ... night.

On the other hand ... you have different fingers.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable... except from vending machines.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.